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America’s Next Top Model: All Stars – What the Heck?

September 15, 2011
**** Warning: May contain spoilers :o ****

Cycle 17 Group Picture

Photo via Celeste Gallery on Flickr

I love America’s Next Top Model, or at least I really, really used to like it. I’ve watched every season, except for the petite model season [I must have been asleep or something] and I always get excited for upcoming seasons. I’ve been watching re-runs the past few months to keep myself from getting withdrawals.

Now I will admit that ANTM hasn’t always been as concerned about “modeling” as much as it has about ratings and has failed to produce the “Top Models” which it hypes so much. I forgave the show in the past two cycles, which in my opinion at least tried. Isn’t that what America is all about?

Either way, for the past few weeks I’ve been basically torn between pooping my pants in excitement and shaking my head in confusion every time I saw the commercial for “All Stars”. What the heck is it even about? Won’t most of those women be too old? Wait, I thought we were trying to be high fashion!

Now I’m here to try to make sense of this show because, dammit, after the first episode I’m still fucking confused.

The Premise:

Tyra is bringing back all of our past favorites in order to give them a second chance at becomig America’s Next Top Model. Doesn’t that seem fairly straight forward? Now, if you’re like me then you probably think that this show is still about modeling and now we’re both wrong. Apparently “All Stars” is about singing and making perfume, or something like that. They even get to audition for CSI. I’m not exactly sure what this all has to do with modeling. It seems like Tyra has given up on trying to create influential models and has now moved on to trying to create a D-List celebrity.

The Prizes:

I didn’t catch all the prizes, thankfully the internet exists. :)
The prizes are this year are a spread in Italian Vogue, a cover and spread in Beauty in Vogue, a blog on Italian Vogue’s website, a guest correspondent job for “Extra,” a national campaign with Express and $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. – zap2it.com
Again, the mention of Vogue might make you think that this show is still about modeling, just stop. I’m pretty sure that it’s only there to mock any real models that might be watching.

The Contestants:

Here are the contestants in order of cycle. Are they really “fan favorites” if I don’t like most of them?

  • Shannon Stewart (Cycle 1) – Known for her refusal to pose nude in a photo-shoot due to religious reasons. Made it to the top 2.
  • Camille McDonald (Cycle 2) – Do you remember her signature walk? God, she’s a loudmouth! Made it to the top 5.
  • Brittany Brower (Cycle 4) – Total Party Girl and in my opinion a little too “porny.” Made it to the top 4.
  • Lisa D’Amato (Cycle 5) – Who doesn’t remember Lisa? She peed in a diaper. Do you remember now? That girl was crazy. Made it to the top 6.
  • Bre Scullark (Cycle 5) – Don’t steal her granola bars. Really, don’t do it. Made it to the top 3.
  • Bianca Golden (Cycle 9) – I’m pretty sure this girl almost made me deaf. She was a total meanie. :( Made it to the top 4.
  • Dominique Reighard (Cycle 10) – All I remember about her is that they always called her a drag queen. Made it to the top 4.
  • Isis King (Cycle 11) – I loved Isis. She was the first Transvestite to be on Top Model and she rocked it. Now she’s back, 100% woman. Made it to the top 11.
  • Sheena Sakai (Cycle 11) – A little bit hoochie with some fake boobies. That’s all I remember.  Made it to the top 6.
  • Allison Harvard (Cycle 12) – Hey, Creepy Chan is back. This girl gives me the heebie-jeebies. Her eyes are too big to be real. Made it to the top 2.
  • Laura Kirkpatrick (Cycle 13) – I didn’t watch this season, but from what I understand she was a little [literally] country bumpkin’. Made it to the top 2.
  • Angelea Preston (Cycle 14) – She did the hammer dance in front of Nigel! Wasn’t that hilarious? Made it to the top 3.
  • Kayla Ferrel (Cycle 15) – Wanted to be the first lesbian to win Top Model. She was my personal favorite! Made it to the top 4.
  • Alexandria Everet (Cycle 16) – Miss bitch herself. I really love hating her. Who doesn’t remember her fight with cycle winner Brittani? Made it to the top 4.

My Thoughts:

I’m still really confused as to what this series is actually about. If it’s about modeling then sorry older cycles, but you’re at a disadvantage. Most of the “old timers” struggled during the photo-shoot and failed to produce strong pictures. Also, what was up with Shannon and the bikini bottom. She refuses to wear some lace boy-shorts because they’re underwear, but has no problems wearing skimpy bikini bottoms. Sort out your problems girl!

Nicky Minaj (I had no idea who she was before today) made a pretty good guest judge in my opinion. Maybe it’s just the way that the film was edited, but she seemed to be making better observations than the actual judges! Nigel looks weird with “long” hair and why do we still have Andre if the show is now focusing more on becoming a well-rounded celebrity than a model? Looks like Tyra didn’t plan this out as well as she thought.

My favorite part of the night was when Alexandria was in the bottom two. What can I say, she’s really fun to hate. Sadly [happily?] she did not go home, and instead we said good bye to Brittany, the one that nobody remembered.

From what I gathered, this show will not really be about fashion or modeling. I don’t care how much Tyra says the contrary, this show isn’t really about making anybody famous or making dreams come true, it’s about making money off the inevitable drama. What else is expected when the majority of the women that Tyra brought back are only remembered because they’re Grade A bitches.

I’m very disappointed in this show Miss Banks, but I’ll keep watching. It’s not my fault, addiction is a horrible disease. :(

I just wish they’d go back to trying to make models.

Did you catch the first episode? Did you like it? Who’s your favorite? Who’s your least favorite? Are you Tyra Banks?  I’d love to hear your take on it. :)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 16, 2011 2:15 am

    LOVE this post!

    i’m a huge ANTM fan and missed it (and a bunch of other tv shows) terribly when i moved to india (I don’t have a tv here…and i don’t think they would be on the current season of ANTM anyways). i’ve watched EVERY season except the last – well, i watched half of it and then i moved to india :$

    funny, just last week i was thinking about shows i missed and thought about ANTM. thought to myself – would be interesting if they had an all stars type season – and then i see your post!

    love your recap….like you, i’d probably be scratching my head a bit but would STILL watch. oy.

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